The Downside of Spontaneity

I've been reading this book lately called the "Defining Decade" by Dr. Meg Jay, an adult developmental psychologist. In it she explains how 20somethings these days are wasting the most crucial developmental period in their lives because they believe they have all the time in the world to do whatever they'd like. The basic lesson behind this book is that 20somethings SHOULD be all about self discovery but that we need to do things that count, not the things we do to fill the void until "life counts". Just read the book - Life-Flipping-Changing I tell you. Right now however, I'd like to talk about...

Spontaneity.

Everyone says that your 20s are the time to explore, to live on the edge, there won't be repercussions yet, we have all the time in the world before we need to settle down. Now is the time where we are supposed to backpack around Europe on a dime, right? Get 3 different diplomas because we can't decide what we want to do, right? To date the bad boy to get it "out of our systems", right? But what happens when the moment's over, we're 30 and all we have to show is an astronomical credit card bill, a ridiculous amount of student debt and a broken heart?

By nature I am a planner. I thrive on the opportunity to research something and ensure it's proper execution. This has held true in my life for quite some time; I attribute it to growing up in an environment where planning wasn't the be all end all and where you would just rely on the idea that everything will work itself out. I was the 14 year old that had their life planned down to the last second, graduate and be engaged by 21, married by 22 and the first child by 25 all while establishing myself in a career in education. In a society where the idea that 20somethings have their whole lives ahead of them is preached like the gospel, my desire to plan and "be a grown up" was looked at as taboo. As if I was trying to grow up too fast and missing out on the great, carefree moments in life.

While I know I would have enjoyed teaching, I'm glad that I took to the opportunity for adventure to move to the Yukon instead. I'm developed into an entirely different person and I'm much more prepared now to make a life plan inline with who I am as an adult than I was when I was 16 (although, to be honest the fundamentals aren't so different). If this was it, if this was my last great adventure; would I really be so sad? Not at all.

When I booked my flight to Newfoundland it felt like the ultimate act of spontaneity. Nothing says "I'm a 20something trying to figure out my life" than moving as far away as possible on 2 weeks notice. Unfortunately, I didn't take much time to think of the practical parts behind this decision. After I had slept on my decision for a night I woke up feeling panicked and with a bit of remorse but using silly excuses to defend why I shouldn't go. Once I took the time to sit down and think about it though I realized my problem all along has been my attempts at covering up a desire for a solid, "grown up" life.

When I first came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to go to Newfoundland after all, I thought to myself "well, back to square one"; however, after taking the time to really think things out I feel like I'm farther ahead than ever before. I've created solid goals of what I want career wise, financially, family wise and in terms of where I want to live.

And, if you were going to ask what my plan is instead - I don't have an EXACT one yet. I have no place to live or a job to look forward to in a couple weeks. Most importantly, I'd like to be closer to my family/friends so BC hopefully is the only solid thing I've got going for me. I enjoy Transportation Operations, I'd love to get back into working for an airline.

but...

Before I felt like I was taking a multiple choice test in a subject I hadn't studied for and was choosing the answer that seemed like the best guess. Now I feel like I've studied, know the material and I'm just taking my time to review all the knowledge I have before I choose my answers.

Maybe I need to work on my metaphors? You know where I'm going with this though...

I'm Lost But I Have Returned

If you've been around in my life long enough (or creeped my social media hard enough... You know who you are) you may or may not remember that I used to blog quite frequently. To be honest, I love writing and was disappointed in myself for falling out of the habit. But <insert 80 excuses here> I fell out of it and now seems like a good time to pick it back up - before I get asked that dreaded "so what is it that you like to do" question for the millionth time and have to scramble for an answer I'm an attempt to not sound like a boring person.

I've been feeling a little (to understate it) lost in my life lately (or since I was born... whatever). To be completely honest - I have NO idea what I want in life. Apparently it's all part of being a 20 something these days and that's fine. What I'm not so fine with is my inability to make a decision on my own. I love to self analyze and diagnose myself which has led me to finding out something else I love to do - have other people make my decisions for me. My life is a constant game of making suggestions to people, figuring out which ones they sound most excited about and jumping on that band wagon. It seems like less of a risk this way, when I can blame something that goes bad on someone else. Unfortunately, when I throw out these ideas I rarely think about the practical aspects of them until it's too late.

I feel like this post is leading up to me saying I'm not going to Newfoundland; this isn't true, nor is it not not true.  I just have a handful of practical reasons (and a million and a half unpractical reasons) not to do so and I want to make sure I want this bad enough to counteract the reasons why I shouldn't go. Especially when I have people begging me to come home. I love the feeling of being wanted and I have a really hard time walking away from that. It's the reason why I work in management - because people need you. I just work in tourism for the sweet perks. Who wants a free bank account when you can travel on the cheap instead?


What have we established here today?

1) I'm going through a classic 20 something existential crisis.
2) I'm too scared to make my own decisions - likely for fear of failure.
3) I have a few ideas of what I'm doing with my life in a couple weeks but I couldn't tell you what way it will actually go at this point.
4) I babble more late at night and after I've had a drink with dinner
5) I miss blogging and I'm going to do it more often. I already feel better after officially establishing my thoughts. Bonus points for it making me sound like I have a cool hobby.